Hey, man. I know we haven’t spoken in five to ten years, but I wanted to chat. You wanna hear my demo? It’s really good! Five tracks of total hip-hop brilliance, my dude. Though, after you factor out the skits, it’s more like three-and-a-half. But it’s still tight as fuck. Listen up:

Me and my boys (“my boys” being my younger brother Shawn, who showed me how you can record your voice straight to GarageBand on the laptop without using a mic or anything, and my weed guy Mack, who did whatever a “sound engineer” does) have been on the grind, all night, every night. But everything totally paid off. I couldn’t be more hyped about the big drop for my first mixtape ever, Paid2Party Entertainment Presents: Oiled Tits and Resin Hits: A Fuckboiz Paradise Production. I put my heart and soul into every track on this tape, from “Natty Crush” to “Feelin’ Me,” which is a song about jerking off. It’s like my baby. I’m finally done pushing it out of my brain-vagina, and now I can’t wait to watch it grow up.

I even made all the beats myself, too. Did the rap and track, like Kanye. I want to reinforce that: In this respect, I am similar to Kanye. Now, I already know what you’re gonna say. “Hold up, isn’t track two just the beat to ‘Bugatti’ by Ace Hood?” Gotcha! You might think it’s the Bugatti track, but I remixed it myself. I turned the bass in the chorus way, way up.

My influences? Oh, man, where to start? Mac Miller. Definitely, a lot of Mac Miller. Asher Roth, but his early stuff. I’m talking pre-Asleep in the Bread Aisle. Gotta give it up for Wiz Khalifa, too. Homey changed the entire game. I mean, rapping about weed? Fucking brilliant.

I want to be part of real hip-hop. I rap about the things that matter to me, whether that’s hooking up with girls, my sneakers, getting crossfaded, hooking up with slightly older girls, beer pong, taking molly, and hooking up with milfs. But I also tried to get on the socially-conscious wave, through my song “Mulatto Areola.” I thought the raps should be hardcore honest. I use the N-word twice, but it’s like a social statement or maybe performance art. What? Yeah, I’m “still white.” I don’t get why that’s relevant.

So definitely check me out. Become my fan on Facebook. Follow my Twitter. Follow my Tumblr. Follow my BandCamp. Follow my Instagram. Right-swipe me on Tinder. Check out my Xanga. Respond to my smoke signals.

Keep it legit,

Guy from your high school currently trying to make it as a rapper