In the words of the greatest political mind of a decent generation, “I’m less visually observant than others, but I make up for it…with cunning and guile.”

The Son of Sam Seaborn#

***

On the eve of her Democratic National Convention address, Hillary Clinton’s campaign is about to release a new video via Funny Or Die that stars the Democratic nominee and features one hell of a supporting cast: Kate McKinnon (of Saturday Night Live fame), Keegan-Michael Key (of Key and Peele fame), and none other than President Barack Obama himself (of Obamacare fame).

The video is reportedly titled Lost in Anger Translation, and sees Keegan-Michael Key’s reprise his infamous Key and Peele character Luther, Obama’s official Anger Translator…

According to unnamed sources who have seen an advanced copy (and give it rave reviews), the video begins with President Obama calling Hillary Clinton into the Oval Office and ominously telling her he has “a secret weapon” to bestow upon her. “Now that you’re officially the Democratic nominee,” he tells Clinton, “there’s a little something I can give you access to…”

The President then reportedly pushes a button on the side of his desk, causing a secret door behind him to whoosh open and reveal Key, as Luther, in all his kinetic glory#.

“You see,” President Obama continues to a more-than-startled Hillary, “for the past few years, I’ve had Luther here to help me get across to the country and our colleagues in Congress those messages that my inescapable ‘cool dad’ demeanor and dulcet oratory skills make impossible…”

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“…and, well, I think you could use something similar – just more… Hillary.”

A huge puff of smoke is said to then appear out of nowhere to the soundtrack of Desiigner’s “Panda”#, with Kate McKinnon – as her Hillary Clinton alter-ego and rapping along to every word – appearing in its wake…

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“Hillary, let me introduce you to…” Obama begins.

“You can just call me Hill Dawg, President Barack O’ Brown Sugar,” McKinnon interjects. “And, Mrs. Clinton – or should I say, FUTURE. MADAME. PRESIDENT. – I’m here to help you win the juicy, juicy passionfruit that is the 2016 Election.”

Hillary, to quote one unnamed staffer, ‘acts like she’s trying wrap her head around the situation while trying her best not to laugh,’ but McKinnon then lunges forward and grabs her by the cheeks, growing more excited and agitated with every word:

“With me, Future Madame President, you don’t have to worry about saying those things you can’t say because you’re a decent human being who respects the political process and the American people!
 
With me, you’ve got a monster to fight the monster we created – like in that movie Pacific Rim!#
 
I can be the one to tweet back at those idiots trolling you on Twitter so you can keep zinging them with the one-liners when it really counts!”
 


 
I can be the person who lets Chris Christie know just who should be the one locked up and where they can stick the key when they’re done!”

Somehow a passionfruit is then retrieved by the now-manic McKinnon, who reportedly begins eating it, as one anonymous source put it, ‘like one eats corn on the cob when they’re all alone and starving.’

Can you TASTE it, Hillary?!” she bellows, “CAN YOU TASTE THE JUICY, JUICY PASSION?!

The video fades out with a ‘very much ad-libbing’ McKinnon spitting chunks of passionfruit onto a ‘I can’t believe she let her do this’ Clinton’s dropped jaw while a resolute Obama nods on approvingly.

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Lost in Anger Translation will apparently kick off an actual digital campaign run by Priorities USA, the Clinton Super PAC, that will feature Kate McKinnon as her Hill Dawg persona. Details are being kept close to the chest, but word is it will involve both heavy use of social media and real-live coordinated events at colleges and cities nationwide.

Trump staffers who have seen the advanced copy declined to comment by name, but near-unanimously admitted even they couldn’t help but laugh; subsequently noting that was a very bad sign for their boss.

***

Unfortunately, none of the above was real.

I made it all up.

Fortunately, if I can come up with that in a few hours, the professionally funny people at Funny or Die could help make that much-needed strategical move (which also helps cement the Obama/Clinton image they’re pushing hard) a very enjoyable reality.

As Barack Obama said in his historic speech last night, this is not your typical election. And Tim Kaine, cute as a teddy bear, isn’t the attack dog Hillary needs in this atypical season.

Kate McKinnon, on the other hand…

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Someone who knows someone get me someone who knows someone on the line.

I’ve got a script to sell and an election to win…

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#NeverTrump